Different ear positions (of the horse silly!): 1. frontward position: I like you (or if you’re unlucky; I’m-gonna-spook position) 2. Sideward position: just-try-to-make-me-move 3. Backward position: just-you-watch-what-happens-next
1. I am human. You are horse. What I say goes. Please take that into consideration when you are standing on my foot.
2. Spilled grain is not “fair game”, especially when it is spilled in another horse’s stall. It still belongs to that particular horse. You have no reason to go in and eat it.
3. Poop does not need to be hidden. I clean your stall every day. I will find it. Do not hide it.
4. I do not need your help when I clean the barn, nor do I need your supervision, or even your presence. I have been cleaning the barn and stalls ever since you lived here. I know what I am doing. Standing at the door staring at me, will not make me clean faster.
5. There is no need to go into the barn and help yourself to the feed. Meals are given at specific times of the day. There is a feed schedule. You know the schedule. I know you know the schedule. You know that I know that you know the schedule.
6. Water buckets are not toys. Neither is the gate, pitchfork, wheel barrow, whatever is in the wheel barrow, fence, or the occasional dog.
7. The wheel barrow is there for a reason. Please do not try to move it while I am cleaning your stall.
8. Just because I go into the barn doesn’t mean you automatically get food. There is other stuff in the barn. Stuff you don’t want. Like wormer and fly spray.
9. Sheath cleaning will NOT be enjoyed…by anyone.
10. Water travels through the hose. If you are thirsty, do not stand on the hose. The water buckets will fill much faster.
11. Not everything has to be high drama. None of the following things will kill you: fly spray, plastic bags, balloons, hoses, chipmunks and other small rodents, or bright blue tarps.
12. Although I understand the need for you to go to the bathroom, it is not necessary to hold it in all day until the moment I finish cleaning your stall and put away the wheel barrow.
13. Accidents happen. However, I’m not altogether sure you’re not trying to kill yourself. Next time you decide to impale yourself on some sort of object, please try to do it when it’s not hailing, midnight, the weekend, or Christmas.
14. While I appreciate your need to be clean, pooping in your water bucket does not make my job easier, and it deprives you of water. Please find a new spot.
15. Whinnying as loudly as you can in my face does not make me feed you any faster.
Robert Duncan’s “Tribute to the Horse” (read at every, Horse of the Year Show in London)
Where in this world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, beauty without vanity? Here, where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined. He serves without servility; he has fought without enmity. There is nothing so powerful, nothing less violent; there is nothing so quick, nothing more patient. Our past has been borne on his back. All our history is his industry: we are his heirs, he is our inheritance. Ladies and Gentlemen: The Horse!
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don’t pick it up right away. Shout, “Get off, Get off, GET OFF!”
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle & practice “relaxing in the fall.” Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a £200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun!
5. Hone your fibbing skills “See, hon, moving hay bales in FUN!” & “No, really, I’m glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place.”
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor’s number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army slogan: Be All That You Can Be - bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen, etc.
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, “This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is…”
1. The number 1 exercise to become a better equestrian - marry money!!
“The Morgan’s forte is often known only to his family and friends; …. He’s the finest pleasure horse around. Not the horse who wins in Pleasure classes at horse shows, but the one who teaches the kids to ride, instilling confidence and responsibility, so that they grow up to be better people through knowing a Morgan, the one who takes the kids swimming or ski-joring, wins them a few ribbons at a small gymkhana, who goes on picnic rides and can be trusted with little children swarming around his back legs. The horse that Mama can saddle up and ride through the woods after the kids are off to school, the horse that Father can hack on weekends, the horse who’s part of the family, carrying on the tradition of old Justin, unleaded except by his nearest and dearest.”—
“I know you don’t understand, your world is nothing like mine. Everything I’ve worked for, being the best, is always about to fall apart.”
“I know you don’t wanna hear this right now, but you’re not that different from the rest of us. Pain, is pain, and we’re all giving up things for this dream. And until you accept that those things are things you can’t control, that the only thing you can control is getting to practice, and always just giving it your all, you really are going to fall apart.
You can’t drain your energy constantly thinking about all these possible future “what ifs”. You have to focus your mind on what you want to have.”
“You know what I want?
I want go to the Olympics, and I want to do it with you right by my side.”
How many horses does it take to change a light bulb?
*Thoroughbred: I changed it an hour ago. C’mon you guys – catch up! * Arabian: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I’m scared of light bulbs! I’m outta here! * Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want. * Standardbred: Oh for Pete’s Sake, give me the darn bulb and let’s be done with it. * Shetland: Give it to me. I’ll kill it and we won’t have to worry about it anymore. * Friesian: I would, but I can’t see where I’m going from behind all this mane. * Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then. * Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn’t anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing light bulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it. * Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I’m gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! I’ll rewire the barn after, too. * Appaloosa: Ya’ll are a bunch of losers. We don’t need to change the light bulb; I ain’t scared of the dark. And someone make that darn Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him. * Haflinger: That thing I ate was a light bulb? * Mustang: Light bulb? Let’s go on a trail ride instead. And camp, out in the open like REAL horses. * Lipizzaner: Hah, amateurs. I will change the light bulb. Not only that, but I will do it while standing on my hind legs and balancing it on my nose, after which I will perform seven flying lead changes in a row and a capriole. Can you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn’t think so. * Miniature: I bet you think I can’t do it just because I’m small. You know what that is? It’s sizeism! * Akhal Te ke: I will only change it if it’s my owner’s light bulb and no one else has ever touched it. * Andalusian: I will delegate the changing of the light bulb to my personal groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and cleaning my saddle, but only on the condition that it is changed for a soft blue or pink bulb, which reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my astonishing gaits. * Cleveland Bay: I’m busy. Make the whipper-in and the hounds do it. * Saddle bred: My ears are up already, please, please get the &#/~…# light bulb away from me! I’m ready to show, really, I promise I’ll win! * Paint: Put all the light bulbs in a pen, tell me which one you want, and my owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it before the quarter horse. * POA: I’m not changing it. I’m the one who kicked the old one and broke it in the first place, remember? Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to break into. * Grade Horse: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don’t mind, but I went ahead and changed it while you were all arguing